When I first started this journey, I kicked ass right off the bat. I had no problems staying in control and keeping myself motivated and disciplined. But now it’s the exact opposite. I do fine for a couple of days, and then I throw it all away on something stupid. And what really kills me is that it’s usually over something small and manageable, like a slice of pizza or missing workouts or some ice cream. Rationally, I know that it’s not the end of the world; I can and should come back from those little slip-ups. I used to do it all the time, no problem. But lately my brain just doesn’t want to remember that kind of common sense when the moment comes. As soon as I mess up I just say screw it and eat all the things. And because I’m trying not to be hard on myself I start to rationalize the rest of the poor decisions that follow the original one, which just makes everything worse.
I do know what I want; I still have over 60 pounds to lose at this point and I want to run a 5k or two this summer. Plus I’m coming up on my one year anniversary of my journey and of this blog. It makes me so sad to think that where I am now is only slightly better than where I was a year ago. For some reason the desire to get back on track and finish this journey is being outweighed by my apparent need to eat all of the crappy foods and be lazy all day. Something needs to change or I’m going to lose it.